Some from the great Tommy Cooper :

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

or the gun-owner’s children!

Suicide by shooting is often the choice of American teens,and tends to be 100% effective.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28649&cn=9

There were times that I had to lock the aspirins away,when my daughter was a depressed teenager.
You could argue that she could just have bought herself some,but suicide by drug overdose is often a cry for help and can be survivable.

Guns don’t offer a second chance.

Source, please. 🙂

Invented in the 19th century by Alexander Parkes,who doesn’t exactly look a barrel of laughs judging by this photo –

http://www.scienceandsociety.co.uk/results.asp?image=10219301&screenwidth=1345

Entertaining and educational :p

That is seriously weird 😮

If you click on the link that says law there are other state things,including the state folk dance,and the state song,imaginatively named ” Utah,this is the place “.

I’ll be passing through Utah in May so I must keep an eye out to see how many people are proudly carrying the state fire-arm.

Those Yanks are really organised. Utah’s even got its own state cooking pot 😀

I see that British Tornado aircraft are to enforce the no-fly zone,confirming my perception ( which may well be incorrect ),that it always seems to be Britain jumping in feet first.
Which other countries are offering their air forces ?

A few things I’ve seen today. I know the bee’s fuzzy but it’s the first bumblebee of the year !!!

I got as far as Tampons Anne and puked up
Lincoln .7
:diablo:

I did warn the squeamish to avert their eyes :p

I would say that the Pill was one of the most significant inventions of the 20th century.

My great-grandmother had her first child at the age of eighteen and her last one at the age of forty-six.
Eleven others arrived during the years between,meaning that the poor woman spent more than nine whole years in a state of pregnancy.
Imagine spending nine years with a tiny alien doing physical jerks in your womb and clog-dancing on your bladder,before bursting forth like an Exocet missile (or so I’m informed,because the good Lord saw fit to bless me with blissfully painless Caesarian 😀 )

I’m sure she’d have welcomed the chance to limit her family in such a convenient manner.

In no particular order –

MP3 players and earphones

electric blankets

Marmite-flavoured cheese

Snow Patrol

( avert your eyes,gents ) tampons and the Pill

affordable air travel

mobile telephones

anti-biotics,anti-depressants and anti-everythings which have prevented previously fatal diseases from killing us

bras

hair colourants ( God bless you sir or madam,that invented this essential :diablo: )

hospices

The Simpsons

May I add a few inventions that I would never have missed had they not been thought up ? namely,instant coffee,any spread that isn’t butter,and rap music.

Lots to be thankful for,isn’t there ?